I Hate: Apple

I have been using Apple Macs in some form for almost ten years and up until now have had no problems with them. 

In school we had a room full of iMacs, the ones that looked like Linda Barker designed them and were heavily endorsed by Sir Stephen Fry. I enjoyed them more than Gary Glitter enjoys little children, although I hasten to add not in the same way. I enjoyed the iMacs so much in fact that I saved up my pocket money and bought an eMac from PC World (something I have since discovered I should not have been able to do seeing as they were not for sale to the general public at the time). 

That eMac saw me through thick and thin and received a hell of a bashing be it with video editing, musical downloads, dwarf porn or photoshopping. The whole of the seven years I used it, it never did anything to upset me. Sure it got a little sluggish after five years but that wasn't something a little RAM couldn't fix. When it came to time to upgrade to something a little more modern I was quite sad to say goodbye to my little eMac, so saddened that I wound up storing it with the aim of one day water proofing it and turning it into a little fish tank or simply using it as a weapon to one day drop down on Bono from a great height. 

Anyway on January 3rd 2009 I spent £959 on a new iMac with all the mod-cons I could afford. It was amazing, fast, sleek, sexy and powerful, a joy to use. I would come rushing home on a daily basis just so I could sit down and browse the best porn the internet had to offer on what I considered to be the best machine ever made, something which even for the cost, was all told, a bargain.

On June 3rd 2010, aged exactly 18 months, the iMac died.

What a piece of shit, I mean Jesus Christ does longevity and customer satisfaction mean nothing to those sorry bunch of Scrooge McDuckish malcontents at Apple Inc. When you spend almost a grand on a new computer you expect more than a year and a half out of it before it endeavors to diarrhea, shit all over itself and die while letting out a considerable sigh of unbelievable flatulence. And if it were to do that, the least you would expect from Apple would be a 'sorry for selling you a broken product, let us fix it or send you a new one' not, 'oh well Mr. Simmonds seeing as you didn't buy the extended warranty we cant help you, now sod off'.

A new iMac of similar spec would cost me almost £1500 pounds today. And I would buy one if I thought it was worth it. For that price it would probably live to see the dizzying heights of two fabulous fucking years. This makes me think actually, where do Apple get their pricing from? £1500 for a Mac, £250 for an iPod, £429 for an iPad (and what really is the point in one of those anyway?) their pricing is ri-god-damn-uber-fucking-stupid-diculous. Its not like apple products are delivered to you personally by Patrick Stewart, just a regular old sweaty fat guy squeezed into a brown trout UPS uniform.

Going back to iPods quickly, what the fuck happened with those Apple. I've worked my way through six of the bloody things all of which died just after a year for no good reason. And because your machines are so fucking arsey about what they will and will not work with I have been forced to keep re-buying your hellish mobile music contraptions because nothing else on the market has the song capacity. Talk about monopolization you greedy bastard fucktards.

I feel utterly and completely betrayed by apple, so much so that I am seriously considering purchasing a standard PC next time. And if you go back and read my post on Microsoft you might just understand how big a statement that really is.

Apple are kind of like the film 'The Wizard Of Oz', but back to front. It all began with the colorful world of iMacs, coming in all the colors of the rainbow, where I was happy, but I wished to be whisked away to a magical land where the iMacs came in black and grey and were much more powerful and could do many tricks. The only problem is now I'm in that world I want to click my heels together and once again find myself over the rainbow with the cheerful, happy iMacs of yesteryear. Sadly though I am stuck here, and can't go back. But beware Apple, I have the brains, heart and courage to bring you down and I swear to the flying monkeys that one day I will.

Mark my words...I will

Written on the eMac 2002-present, currently aged eight. 

I Hate: The Former Optimist

Less than a week ago I received some fan mail, this is more or less what it said...

"Dear Supreme Handsome One,

I have been following your blog 'The Things I Hate' for some time and I have to say that you are amazing. Your witty word play and amazingly accurate observations make my life worth living. I check your blog for new posts everyday and live my life by your example.

Forever Yours

Former Optimist

ps. please ready my blog at http://thoughtsfromaformeroptimist.blogspot.com/

pps. please send me some of your hair" -content may have been altered

Well thank you very much Former Optimist, it is always nice to be appreciated, and I indeed did read your blog and I have to say I died a little inside with every word of your nonsensical, blithering hogwash you little mutton headed, tiresome excuse for a shit cling-on stuck to the end of a prick, twat.

For those of you who haven't had the unjustifiable misfortune of reading the blog this person (who from this point on will be called Gonad) has written, don't fucking bother, frankly its a waste of time. Every single topic Gonad feels is worth posting about is of absolutely no interest to anyone who has an IQ higher than that of a celery stick. A few of my all time lowest points were his posts on Clinton Cards, Calendars, Henry VIII, Blogspots Clock and best and most pointless of all his Six Hundred and Ninety Seven word fuck that formed Gonads post on Guildford.

Something I noticed when reading Gonads oeuvre was that he seems unbelievably opinionated and critical of other peoples hard graft and vision when in fact, as far as I can tell he has achieved nothing of any great significance himself which lands him right into a group of people I like to call dick heads. During his many, many, oh so many posts he manages to put down a former prime minister, a current deputy prime minister, a popular stand up comic, Japanese game developers, a musical writer, a German singer/songwriter, a burglar and Europe. Thats not even close to the full list but trust me, each and every one of those made something of themselves and achieved something, which is less than can be said for our dear Gonad.

Thoughts Of A Former Optimist also displays some of the most one sided, self prophesying preachy speak I have ever read coming from someone who doesn't seem to have any faith in anything whatsoever. Gonad spends a whole post pratting on about life after death and the existence of a god as if he has found some kind of indisputable proof, which I know for a fact can't actually exist because if it did everyone would be a believer except for me because I know better. And I have proof. And yes I can say that, if Gonad says he has proof without showing it then damn straight I can do the same thing.

This leads me on to my next point, self-centredness. Gonad is in a world of his own when it comes to how important he is. Writing all the time as if he has the best idea and he is the shining little star up the black hole ass of the world. There are three posts in his blog about some shitty little "podcast" he and his mate did. Fifteen minutes of set ups and no jokes made the so called 'Ha Ha Show' the worst ear rape I have had since hearing Lily Allen for the first time. It did make me laugh though I have to admit, yet so did Showgirls and the American remake of Life On Mars, they were both shit as well. Gonad clearly thought he had himself a winner with his "podcast" though which he showed by posting two more posts featuring the making of photo's, 27 out of 44 of which featured himself primarily thus showing up how much he clearly loves himself. The best bit though is the post where Gonad deems his work so superior that he feels the need to copyright it, a move stuck so far up his own ass that it deserves to be printed on every page of the 'how to be a self centred, fuck-nutter' manual.

And finally the icing on the shit cake that is Thoughts of a Former Optimist, the writing. It is very well written, especially for a man who clearly struggled through school after learning his ABC's, I though encourage the deaf, dumb and blind to do their best in todays world and therefore must offer a big round of applause to Gonad for his achievement is stringing sentences together while using the correct punctuation. All we have to do now, Gonad is make the paragraphs that contain these sentences coherent and meaningful. Though I must warn you after doing so you may loose at least two of your three followers seeing as they probably only read it because they think your 'one extra scoop of ice cream' special.

All of this suggests to me that poor, little Gonad was deprived of attention as a child. Maybe he drove his family nuts with his self importance or maybe his brothers and sisters are more successful than him? I don't know, its the only explanation for 'Thoughts Of A Former Optimist' being the way it is and that is a desperate cry for attention. Why else would you post three posts on one day?

Now let this be a lesson to you all. Next time you send me fan mail and ask me to read your writing, make it worth my while. What I clearly need in life is proof that the human race still has a point, something which shouldn't be too hard to do considering how much of a people person I am.