I Hate: The Former Optimist

Less than a week ago I received some fan mail, this is more or less what it said...

"Dear Supreme Handsome One,

I have been following your blog 'The Things I Hate' for some time and I have to say that you are amazing. Your witty word play and amazingly accurate observations make my life worth living. I check your blog for new posts everyday and live my life by your example.

Forever Yours

Former Optimist

ps. please ready my blog at http://thoughtsfromaformeroptimist.blogspot.com/

pps. please send me some of your hair" -content may have been altered

Well thank you very much Former Optimist, it is always nice to be appreciated, and I indeed did read your blog and I have to say I died a little inside with every word of your nonsensical, blithering hogwash you little mutton headed, tiresome excuse for a shit cling-on stuck to the end of a prick, twat.

For those of you who haven't had the unjustifiable misfortune of reading the blog this person (who from this point on will be called Gonad) has written, don't fucking bother, frankly its a waste of time. Every single topic Gonad feels is worth posting about is of absolutely no interest to anyone who has an IQ higher than that of a celery stick. A few of my all time lowest points were his posts on Clinton Cards, Calendars, Henry VIII, Blogspots Clock and best and most pointless of all his Six Hundred and Ninety Seven word fuck that formed Gonads post on Guildford.

Something I noticed when reading Gonads oeuvre was that he seems unbelievably opinionated and critical of other peoples hard graft and vision when in fact, as far as I can tell he has achieved nothing of any great significance himself which lands him right into a group of people I like to call dick heads. During his many, many, oh so many posts he manages to put down a former prime minister, a current deputy prime minister, a popular stand up comic, Japanese game developers, a musical writer, a German singer/songwriter, a burglar and Europe. Thats not even close to the full list but trust me, each and every one of those made something of themselves and achieved something, which is less than can be said for our dear Gonad.

Thoughts Of A Former Optimist also displays some of the most one sided, self prophesying preachy speak I have ever read coming from someone who doesn't seem to have any faith in anything whatsoever. Gonad spends a whole post pratting on about life after death and the existence of a god as if he has found some kind of indisputable proof, which I know for a fact can't actually exist because if it did everyone would be a believer except for me because I know better. And I have proof. And yes I can say that, if Gonad says he has proof without showing it then damn straight I can do the same thing.

This leads me on to my next point, self-centredness. Gonad is in a world of his own when it comes to how important he is. Writing all the time as if he has the best idea and he is the shining little star up the black hole ass of the world. There are three posts in his blog about some shitty little "podcast" he and his mate did. Fifteen minutes of set ups and no jokes made the so called 'Ha Ha Show' the worst ear rape I have had since hearing Lily Allen for the first time. It did make me laugh though I have to admit, yet so did Showgirls and the American remake of Life On Mars, they were both shit as well. Gonad clearly thought he had himself a winner with his "podcast" though which he showed by posting two more posts featuring the making of photo's, 27 out of 44 of which featured himself primarily thus showing up how much he clearly loves himself. The best bit though is the post where Gonad deems his work so superior that he feels the need to copyright it, a move stuck so far up his own ass that it deserves to be printed on every page of the 'how to be a self centred, fuck-nutter' manual.

And finally the icing on the shit cake that is Thoughts of a Former Optimist, the writing. It is very well written, especially for a man who clearly struggled through school after learning his ABC's, I though encourage the deaf, dumb and blind to do their best in todays world and therefore must offer a big round of applause to Gonad for his achievement is stringing sentences together while using the correct punctuation. All we have to do now, Gonad is make the paragraphs that contain these sentences coherent and meaningful. Though I must warn you after doing so you may loose at least two of your three followers seeing as they probably only read it because they think your 'one extra scoop of ice cream' special.

All of this suggests to me that poor, little Gonad was deprived of attention as a child. Maybe he drove his family nuts with his self importance or maybe his brothers and sisters are more successful than him? I don't know, its the only explanation for 'Thoughts Of A Former Optimist' being the way it is and that is a desperate cry for attention. Why else would you post three posts on one day?

Now let this be a lesson to you all. Next time you send me fan mail and ask me to read your writing, make it worth my while. What I clearly need in life is proof that the human race still has a point, something which shouldn't be too hard to do considering how much of a people person I am.