I Hate: Women

*WARNING*

The following post contains gratuitous generalisation of female stereotypes and is not intended to offend. However the author does not give a shit if he offends you so feel free to hate his guts as you no doubt will by the end of this post.

'We want the right to vote' said the woman.

'No' said the Man.

The woman bent down to adjust her skirt, the man struggled to avert his gaze and failed miserably 'Oh come on, you know you want to let us' she pouted.

The man unbuttons the top button on his shirt to allow the build up of steam to escape.

'uh, uh yes well um, in you go then!'

Thats it, thats all women need to do to get what they want from pretty much any guy because men are weak. Even the slightest hint or glimmer of hope that we may get to glance at a titty or two and we will run a marathon, build a palace, fellate a goat, do anything in fact because of the sheer power women have over men. All women know this, so why do they insist on making men feel shit all the time?

When it comes to judging people, women are always the first to judge. Its true, fuck off! When a man looks at a woman he does not judge, we're too busy trying not to look at the things we're pre programmed to look at. When a woman looks at a man she see's him staring a few inches below the neckline and she immediately assumes he's a pig. Now, does the woman keep this too herself ? No she fucking doesn't, she feels compelled to shout out and advertise to the entire, non caring world that this guy is lower than the shit smear on the bottom of the social shoe. Why do that? You know we can't help it, in fact if we didn't you would think there was something wrong with us and feel compelled to shout 'queer' or 'peedo' and again make us feel belittled and rejected. What makes these situations even more perplexing is how most women dress. Women pretty much exclusively, dress to impress. Low cut tops, tight trousers/jeans, skirts, boots, heels, bikini's, ect are all one big advertisement that sells a womans body and image. Women want to be looked at, if they didn't they would wear parachute pants and baggy turtle neck jumpers. So it simply isn't fair for women to put men down the second they do what the women wanted them to do.

Even in relationships women have the upper hand and take advantage. Its down to the guy to instigate and maintain the relationship. Its true, fuck off!. It is generally accepted that if there is an attraction between a man and a woman that the two must pretend not to be attracted to each other until the man makes the first romantic move or gesture. This is important for two reasons. 1. for the man to prove he has guts and 2. so everything that follows from that moment on is the mans fault. The latter is the most important. Think about it, if it was the guy who instigated the relationship then everything that happens from that moment on happened as a result of it and therefor is his responsibility. This is why when it comes to arguments or general misunderstandings it is the mans fault it happened and is therefor his responsibility to fix. To sum up its the mans job to maintain the relationship, while the woman takes all the credit. Even in the best relationships, with the most love, the woman continually guilt trips the man into thinking its his fault when things mess up and ain't that kinda sick? Despite the fact that she loves this guy more than anyone else in the world she will deliberately make him feel like shit in order to get things her way. This happens all the way through the relationship until it ends, more often than not because 'he didn't take her seriously' or 'he didn't care' or 'he didn't read her mind' or some other variation on him not putting in enough effort when I'm willing to bet he worked harder at the relationship than she did. And yes he did put more effort in because he is so happy to be 'getting some' that he would do anything to make sure he keeps getting it. And this is true of all men, except the gay ones...no wait, including the gay ones.

I guess it all boils down to men being weak and inferior to women. If men weren't so obsessed with sex then maybe they would stand a chance. Scientists have for years wondered what will cause the extinction of mankind and it wont be ice ages, nuclear war of little aliens with ray guns that turn men into furby's. Nope it will be women. But then I guess thats our fault for being men. We don't put enough effort in and we're not committed enough to our own cause. We'd rather watch sports, drink beer and chase after the one thing thats most important in this world...women.

Next week, I Hate: Men

I Hate: Microsoft

Computers, living proof that people cant cope. Twenty years ago PC's were only found in the homes of the super rich, nowadays everybody young enough to remember their own names has one and we can't live without them anymore. So, yeah computers are pretty important all told, so somebody please tell me why the fuck they never work the way you want them to? I run both Apple and Windows at home so any of you Linux users out there fucking shit off you little Emo fucks, I have no time for you, its not different, its not clever, its just bollocks.

The reason I run two OS's is not because I'm indecisive, nor because I have trust issues and fear of becoming attached to the point where I mourn the loss of every build version, no its because I need both operating systems just to get shit done. I am not a fair critic though so I will focus on my least favourite operating system, Windows. I'm well aware that I'm not the first person to rant about Windows but I miss the point where I care, the blog is called 'the things I hate' and if I were to skip on this topic it would be like lying to myself, and i already don't trust me and all I and Me need is another argument right now so shut up and listen to me rant you whinny little bitch!

I fist came across Windows in school, not long after the power turd that was Windows 95 came out. Windows 95 was designed to integrate MS-Dos and Windows in one operating system and let me think, did it do that? No. You could only boot one at a time so well done Microsoft, you fucked up at the first hurdle, its nice to see that you set the bar so low for yourselves to ensure success but christ you ignoramus's could have put some effort in.

Two years later they gave us Windows 98, the operating system so amazing that it needed a complete reworking a year later to make the damn thing work properly, that is if it hadn't picked up a virus which it could do quicker than a newborn with a heroin addiction.

Windows Me/Windows 2000 came up next. Remember how the world went into panic when 2000 started looming? Everybody worried that because the date would be zero zero it would cause the computers to magically travel back through time to the birth of Jesus and try and send Mary and Joseph emails about how they really should book a hotel room next time to avoid all the hassle. Well we needn't have worried really because Windows M(istake)e(dition) was about to lay a Cleveland Steamer on the general publics chest by being released unfinished. Some people couldn't even install the damn thing and those lucky enough to be able to found that the 'system restore' feature installed malware for them in a move about as useful as walking you across the street only to shoot you when you get to the other side.

Less than a year passed and Microsoft released XP. XP to this day is the worlds most widely used Operating System. The reason for this is it sort of works, sure its an open door for hackers and virus's and its about a compatible with older programmes as a badgers arse hole is compatible with Sweet Chilli Kettle Chips but these things aside it works.

So did Microsoft take a break and just work on improving its greatest creation, no they longed for the good old days when everybody hated them, so they released...Windows Vista, the system that acted like your dad and told you off for doing everything from re-naming files to farting with a slight air of menace. Again Vista was mega open to attack from Virus's/Malware and demanded system requirements that even Nasa thought were a little steep. All of this for the hefty fee of $225-$400 which people thought was a bit pricey for a shiny reflective coaster. The end result, people continued using XP.

We now have Windows 7, the latest and greatest. And it probably is, I mean lets face facts Microsoft you really can't do much more damage. I for one can't be arsed to get it because I know something about it will piss me off and I really can't take any more beatings from the Microsoft barbarian.

If Windows was my granny I'd have taken her out to the woodshed years ago but I'm so begrudgingly dependent on Windows that I can't do without it. That being said I wrote this entire thing on my iMac and it didn't fuck up once, if I'd opted to do this in Windows I'd probably have had to re-write it twice due to a system failure, travel around the world on a lilac pony, cure cancer, resurrect Bob Hope and defragment my hard drive before being allowed to press the 'Publish Post' button.

I Hate: Supermarkets

Let me tell you a story.

Yesterday I travelled to my local Tesco supermarket to pick up the weekly shopping. I walked in, got my basket, filled it with food items and various toiletries, paid for my goods and walked out again. Doesn't that sound easy and pain free. Well no it fucking was not, it was a gigantic fuckfest and I hated every millisecond of it.

I have many issues with Supermarkets and they start before I even enter the frigging places. The layouts of most stores are a complete shambles. You walk in and are usually offered a choice of three isles to begin your journey. Most of the time these isles are for fruit, veg and various fresh produce essential to any shopping trip, great, but this causes the herd of cattle that forms our public at large to wander around aimlessly banging into one another about like a bunch of drunk toddlers on crack. This then continues throughout the store, the isles becoming a life or death shopping trolly version of the dodgem's ride with small children instead of bumpers.

People are at their most trying when in Supermarkets. There is always some sodding child screaming atop of their lungs as the parent either ignores them or yells louder back at the child which only ever pisses me off more. There are the ignorant tag nuts who insist on stopping right in front of you while leaving the trolly mid isle so as to get in everybody's way, then never pick up the item they stopped to look at making the entire event a pointless waste. There are the lazy parents who let their teenagers push the trolly, which would be great if they didn't try to ride the trolly all over the place as if it were some kind of sport for the mentally ill.

The product placement bewilders me too. Why put the fruit at the start, where it will then become a challenge not to squash for the rest of the journey? Surely that would be a great thing to put at the end? Instead of say, I dunno, the heavy cans and bottles. I mean seriously its like the spanners at the head of these uber conglomerates want their produce to be brought back to them, and doesn't that defeat the whole point of what they are trying to do?

Once the horrific ordeal of picking up the items is over you then get to face a plethora of irksome treats at the tills. You have drunk, crack toddler syndrome all over again as you are given three choices. One being a till manned by a manic depressive mid lifer who has been stuck in the same dead end job since they left school and were too stupid to advance further. Two being the spotty little shitlets fresh out of school/college or who gives a fuck where else, with their monotone groany or annoyingly chirpy voices designed specifically to get on my tits. And finally the last choice, the self service tills which were designed to speed up the process of paying for your goods but in actual fact do the exact opposite.

Needless to say supermarket shopping is not my favourite activity and sadly I can only see it getting worse as time goes on. In ten years time there will be more products, more people and less space, a truly winning combination of fuck-upery that makes me want to comfort eat, which inches me closer to my next shopping trip.

Thanks a bunch Tesco, thanks a fucking bunch.

I Hate: Blogs

Let me start off by saying that I really hate everything about blogs. I hate the idea of them, the people who write them and the people who read them.

Many years ago the internet became available to pretty much anyone with half a brain cell and some self centered fucktard figured it would be so wonderful if everyone could see how unique and cool he/she/it was. So the preppy little social reject started posting their thoughts, observations and ideas on the WWW for the whole world to see. Well thanks a bunch, dick, now everybody and their left nut is blogging about anything and everything from their relationship troubles to the quality of the brick houses they dwell in. Like I really give a crap. Like ANYBODY gives a crap, Christ, most blogs are never really read by anyone, even the ones with loads of followers.

Bloggers get followers because someone was bored one day and needed a break from watching dwarf porn and decided to read a paragraph or two of some poor saps blog, thought it was interesting, signed up and then proceeded never to read it again. This happens because everyone who isn't writing a blog has a fucking life. They have real friends to tell their stories to and are way to busy to sit down and write about their daily lives. Besides they know no one who isn't a friend, relation or sexual partner is interested. And even then they would only read it out of kindness or some misguided sense of loyalty.

Finally I address you my friends, relations and sexual partners. Thank you for reading my blog, wasn't it fun and didn't we learn so much. Nope, no we didn't your right, this was a gigantic waste of everyone's time, even mine. The only reason I wrote this was because I got bored and needed a break. Now back to the dwarf porn.

With contempt, I hate you all.