I Hate: Bus Travel

I do many unpleasant things by choice. Shop in Tesco's, use Windows Vista, work with the disabled, et cetera but very few of these persist to pummel my patience more than riding the bus.

On a nearly daily basis I pay £3.70 to travel around and about in oxford on the wonder fuck that is the public bus. I take it to work, to the shops, back from work and back from the shops and each and every time it fills me with so much bile and rage that its amazing I don't take to the insipid congregation that is our wonderful great british public with a ball-pin hammer, muderizing them Sutcliffe style.

The first thing to piss me off about the bus's is the inevitably long wait required to catch one. Guaranteed, whenever I'm in a hurry, the bus will be running late. I will stand at the bus stop, pacing up and down, mumbling to myself, probably in the cold pouring rain, watching the wrong bus pass me by time after time until finally my bus turns up in a billow of black smog fifteen minutes late and carrying the largest group of grumpy arseholes you'll ever lay your eyes on crammed in like fatties in a chip shop.

So I get on the bus, cringe at the smell of stale food and piss and am forced to stand at the front due to the massive crowd of stupids that insist on standing in the busiest part of the bus, and hang on for dear life as the bus driver takes off like he's late for the mad hatters tea party switching between breakneck speed and emergency stop braking as if they were the only two options. I mean seriously where do they get these drivers from? I can only imagine stagecoach have set up their head offices next to a rally driving school so as to pick up the daredevil nut cases who don't make the cut.

Once a human being get on a bus something changes which makes them want to be the most annoying person on the planet and there are several ways they can achieve this. You have the people who are always too cold and insist on closing all the windows, turning the bus into one of those disgusting boil in the bag meals, making people sweat and pant causing all the windows to steam up and the freezer shopping to melt. Another annoying trait is to take an empty seat and to sit on the isle end of it and then display complete and total ignorance for the entire journey making the old and the legless flail about in the isles like pedestrian weeble wobbles. You have the people to rule the bus and display this by knowing better than everyone else, shouting orders at people and swearing as if they were in a Kevin Smith movie. There are also those irritating council estate mothers who don't understand protected sex, with their fifty kids and massive buggies that act like magical bus passes that entitle them to free space and seats no matter how crowded the bus is.

Finally you have the young and their fucking mobile phones, a factor of bus travel that I find so vexatious that it has earned itself its own paragraph. They get on and shout at one another in language so vulgar that Roy 'Chubby' Brown would find it a bit much. This language will eventually be used to insult the other passengers who are guilty of being older and on the same bus. When not insulting the passengers or each other they whip out their precious mobile monstrosities and play their music through the shitty, tinny external speakers most phones have these days. What ever happened to earphones and why were they deemed such a bad thing? The purpose of mobile music technology is to be able to listen to YOUR excuse for music where ever you want to, not so everyone else can listen to YOUR excuse for music which will never be to their taste baring in mind todays youth thought Crazy Frog was a number one worthy track!

Upon reflection its no wonder Dennis Hopper had it in for buses. Nothing about them is remotely positive for anyone and blowing them and their contents up really is the only sensible thing to do. The only draw back to his plan is that despite the drivers continued attempts the buses simply cant reach 50mph. Changing it to 3mph however would ensure a success that even Keanu couldn't prevent with his bemused garden shed style of acting.

I will however continue to use the bus being the self destructive, yet aggressively handsome chap that I am so please Dennis, hold off on the plans for a while. Or else you'll end up on my list...

I Hate: Headaches

My dear friends, relatives and sexual partners.

You may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. The reason for this is I am tired, have a really sore head and suffering for half an hour, long enough to post something to entertain you sorry bunch of ignoramus's is a lot less important to me than my own comfort.

I mean really who do you think you are demanding some kind of service out of me, you don't pay me, you don't thank me, Christ most of you wont even subscribe to me you useless excuses for homo-sapi. For the past seven weeks I have supplied hate and laughter on an at least weekly basis and you have the nerve to complain when I miss a few days.

Well fuck you all ok, fuck you. You should have known that I wouldn't care, if you care to flashback.... "I really hate everything about blogs. I hate the idea of them, the people who write them and the people who read them."...Now does that sound like a person who cares about what you think right now. No it fucking well doesn't.

For your information I was going to write about bus travel this week, but instead am planning to do nothing and let you wait it out. Feel free to bitch and whine amongst yourselves you ungrateful ingrates.

I Hate: Being Possitive

So last night I am sat in the pub enjoying a few beverages with a woman who I deem just about sufferable when we embark on a conversation about life perception and philosophy. Her view on things is that everything happens for a reason, good people go to 'a better place' (I assume that to be a little record shop full of naked supermodel bisexuals who understand the difference between Beyonce and Pink Floyd) and bad people go to hell (an unimaginative insight at best, besides hell looks awesome on most metal album covers, plus it never rains and to me that sounds like a fucking bonus). I do not shut her views down, she's entitled to be wrong, but as soon a I spin some wax on my life philosophy she goes nuts.

I am a cynical pragmatic pessimist...

Didn't understand that did you, you pea brained fucknutter? Well then prepare to be schooled by someone considerably more intelligent than you.....ME.

My view on life is thus, life is like a box of chocolates made of elephant feces, melting in the sun and slowly running down your leg and forming a puddle in your shoe squishing the nuggets up between your toes, or in short, its shit from beginning to undignified end. Nothing in this world is entirely good with the exception of cheese and pickle sandwiches. I go through my entire life assuming everything and everyone is totally and unequivocally fucked, total shit and or balls.

Now you must be saying 'Hey, Neil. Your being completely negative'.

'Wrong' comes my reply with a force equal to that of a gods fart 'I am assuming fucked, shit and balls which means what class?'

For those of you not shouting 'It can' t be that bad because you haven't come across it yet' get out of the room and stop reading my blog, you are clearly to dim to be reading this, now get back to selling dope to your kids your sixteen year old fuck. For those of you who had worked it out, well done. If you wanted more then fuck off as well you needy little shit.

I assume everything will be shit long before I come across it. The end result of this is when I finally do come to something new I am pleasantly surprised that its not the apocalypse or a Matrix sequel. So I tend to be impressed by most things, and who can say that? Not many I say.

Since starting to think about life in this fashion I have found life much more liveable. Death doesn't come as, as much of a shock, food tastes better and all films not directed by Michael Bay are worth a watch.

It was at this point in my conversation with my friend in the pub that she called me stupid, self cantered and sick. It was her opinion that I needed counselling and needed to start thinking differently or else I would die young and alone. My response to her is this, according to my life philosophy I should have died alone before this conversation even began and am therefor much happier to be alive and valuing my limited time in this world much more than she ever will.

And anyway, if I'm going to die young then according to her philosophy that means the Bisexual record shop is not a long wait away. I still win

I Hate: Product Placement

THIS WEEKS BLOG POST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY COCA~COLA.

Enjoy!

So, I pay the astronomical fee required to see a film in a cinema, sneak into one of those more comfortable seats despite not paying the extra few bones, line up my DIET~COKE with ice and BUTTERKIST popcorn both of which make a film so much more enjoyable and settle down to watch the movie. Great, except I always find it so hard to be sucked into a movie when it bombards me with endless/obvious product placement reminding me of the completely shitty world that I'm in there to forget about.

I really do hate the outside world. Most of the people are either mindless drones or insufferable arseholes hell bent on making every living organisms life a complete and total misery. The weather, no matter what country your in, is undesirable, especially if your british because we crave disappointment and as a result are disappointed if we don't find disappointment. And those of us who are 'lucky' enough to work, do so out of necessity and therefore spend hours on end doing something we loath just to get by. All of this gets me down and being the light minded positive thinker that I am I find joy and happiness in the arts, more so film and television. So what I don't want when I sit down to get my much needed dose of escapism is to be constantly reminded about the world that I hate so very much, and nothing does this more to me than product placement of something like KELLOGG'S FROSTIES because They're grrreat!

Another issue I have with product placement is that when it involves food stuffs its always the worst shit being sold to you. Beers, soft drinks, fast food, crisps/chips, SNICKERS, you name it its gunna' be bad. It just doesn't help all the fat fucks out there who should really be eating healthy and jumping on a tread-mil once in a while instead of dreaming about where their next PUKKA PIE is coming from, and trust me thats what their doing when all this advertising is going on. Wouldn't it be great to see James Bond munching on a bag of dried apricots every once in a while? I for one would find that much more (A) realistic seeing as he's a pretty healthy looking fella, and more (B) comforting, hey if James Bond is eating em' then it must be good. And that also aids my wish not to be dragged back to reality, its win, win. Just like partybingo.com.

As I sit here, sipping my KOPPARBERG (Which truly is a) PREMIUM CIDER I wonder where the world would be without product placement. I'm thinking it would be a better place. People wouldn't all be walking around with the same mobile phones, wearing the same clothes or drinking EVIAN MINERAL WATER in order to LIVE YOUNG. We would all be much more individual and only products that actually are based on quality would be being sold, because thats what would be needed in order to sell it, not just Homer Simpson's endorsement. Of corse if it wasn't for MTV's JACKASS! I wouldn't be sat here wearing QUIKSILVER jeans, Zoo York tee shirts and VANS 'OFF THE WALL' slip on shoes.

Now I'm off to order a PAPA JOHNS pizza, did you know they aim to deliver within thirty minutes?

I Hate: Men

Men have to be the best at everything with no exceptions. Be it the best at sports or licking our own balls we wanna do it better, faster and more efficiently than anyone else. The reason for this is that we crave power and domination. Everything we do in life is done in order to reach the top first, look down on everyone else and scream 'my cock is much bigger than yours'. Now you may be thinking what the downside to this is, well my spunky little unenlightened friend I will tell you. Getting to the top is much easier said than done seeing as we are constantly foiled by our own arch enemy...sex.

Our biggest and most irritating flaw is our inability to go any respectable amount of time without drifting off to a magical, dreamworld where naked beauty's feed us grapes and perform many various acts no matter how inappropriate or demeaning they are. Not that there is anything wrong with daydreaming in such a way, its pretty harmless really, but when it happens every few seconds it just gets in the fucking way!

Let me demo this by telling you a story...

Once uppon a time there were three NAKED WOMEN bears who went for a walk to let their hot SEX porridge cool down. A young lady named MASSIVE BOOBS Goldilocks stumbled across the bears MIDGET PORN home and proceeded to FUCK IT...

This is how the story would be told if I were to insert my thought process into it in real time. Fan-fucking-tastic character trait that is, and ALL (straight) men have it. (Not to say gay men don't think along similar lines...because they do...about cocks) Honest to God why must we think like that? Its just so moronic. It makes everything we try and do that little bit more of a slower process just because we have to stop and think about SEX ever once and a while. I'l bet the creator of all things bright and beautiful had a right old laugh when he installed that one. And whats worse is when we're not getting any we think about it 100% more often, making obtaining it even more difficult and thus starts a vicious downward spiral filled with hollywood sex tapes, water sports and self fellating.

The sex issue and the need to be the best make us nightmares when it comes to relationships. Ok we have a woman on our arm and we've been saying I love you since the first month in the hopes that it cuts the time it takes to arrive at destination sex station, but are we happy...no. We're possessive, jealous and insecure far beyond reasoning. We see a man even catch peripheral sight of 'our girl' and it takes every ounce of testosterone fuelled effort not to smash his fucking face in. The only reason we don' t do this is because 'our girl' has already noticed and is busy hurling abuse at the poor sap in a voice so loud that everyone can hear in order to make him feel like the shit smear on the bottom of the social shoe. The feelings of insecurity inevitably lead men into trying too hard in the relationship and being dumped, then going too far the other way in the following relationship and being dumped. Eventually we will get it right by learning to lie and cheat in order to hide our true feelings and thus create the illusion that we are perfectly happy in the relationship. Something we will probably get dumped for later.

To sum up men are rubbish. Every woman knows this and every man is too busy trying to be the best to admit it.

I am man enough to admit it though because my cock is much bigger than yours.