I Hate: Being Possitive

So last night I am sat in the pub enjoying a few beverages with a woman who I deem just about sufferable when we embark on a conversation about life perception and philosophy. Her view on things is that everything happens for a reason, good people go to 'a better place' (I assume that to be a little record shop full of naked supermodel bisexuals who understand the difference between Beyonce and Pink Floyd) and bad people go to hell (an unimaginative insight at best, besides hell looks awesome on most metal album covers, plus it never rains and to me that sounds like a fucking bonus). I do not shut her views down, she's entitled to be wrong, but as soon a I spin some wax on my life philosophy she goes nuts.

I am a cynical pragmatic pessimist...

Didn't understand that did you, you pea brained fucknutter? Well then prepare to be schooled by someone considerably more intelligent than you.....ME.

My view on life is thus, life is like a box of chocolates made of elephant feces, melting in the sun and slowly running down your leg and forming a puddle in your shoe squishing the nuggets up between your toes, or in short, its shit from beginning to undignified end. Nothing in this world is entirely good with the exception of cheese and pickle sandwiches. I go through my entire life assuming everything and everyone is totally and unequivocally fucked, total shit and or balls.

Now you must be saying 'Hey, Neil. Your being completely negative'.

'Wrong' comes my reply with a force equal to that of a gods fart 'I am assuming fucked, shit and balls which means what class?'

For those of you not shouting 'It can' t be that bad because you haven't come across it yet' get out of the room and stop reading my blog, you are clearly to dim to be reading this, now get back to selling dope to your kids your sixteen year old fuck. For those of you who had worked it out, well done. If you wanted more then fuck off as well you needy little shit.

I assume everything will be shit long before I come across it. The end result of this is when I finally do come to something new I am pleasantly surprised that its not the apocalypse or a Matrix sequel. So I tend to be impressed by most things, and who can say that? Not many I say.

Since starting to think about life in this fashion I have found life much more liveable. Death doesn't come as, as much of a shock, food tastes better and all films not directed by Michael Bay are worth a watch.

It was at this point in my conversation with my friend in the pub that she called me stupid, self cantered and sick. It was her opinion that I needed counselling and needed to start thinking differently or else I would die young and alone. My response to her is this, according to my life philosophy I should have died alone before this conversation even began and am therefor much happier to be alive and valuing my limited time in this world much more than she ever will.

And anyway, if I'm going to die young then according to her philosophy that means the Bisexual record shop is not a long wait away. I still win